Thursday, January 15, 2009

Depleted

I am depleted. I am worn out. I am bone tired. I am exhausted to my very core.

Not just physically exhausted. Because that would be treatable. I could just go to sleep early and wake up in the morning refreshed and rarin' to go.

Worse...I am also emotionally whipped. I've been doin' the single parent thing since Animesh left yesterday morning for a business trip, and I'm already so mentally and physically stretched that I think I could just lose it at any minute.

He's not coming home till Saturday.

Today is the second day that we've had an after school activity. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal. Because normally I have some back-up help for baths, dinner, making lunches for the next day, reading stories, brushing teeth, picking out clothes, saying prayers, holding hands of scared children, tucking kids in, re-tucking kids in, middle-of-the-night bed shuffles due to scary dreams, waking reluctant kids up in the morning, packing lunches, making breakfast, asking kids to get dressed a million times, feeding dog, letting dog out before his aging body poops and/or pees on floor, brushing teeth before school, fighting to get kids buckled into their car seats, listening to fights in the back seat of the car, and driving to school at a hurried pace so as to avoid any tardies on the report card.

The past two days I've had one too many voyeuristic experiences while going to the bathroom and taking a shower. I've had one too many interruptions while I was talking on the phone. I've had one too many whines about what was being served for dinner. I've had one too many complaints about how fast dinner was not being cooked. I've had one too many reminders about things I hadn't done yet that I had said I would do. Eventually.

Even now, as I type and re-read this, it doesn't sound that bad. But, trust me. When you're in the throws of it...it feels bad. And I am feeling it.

I need a break. Desperately.

In the past I always thought that needing a break made me sound like a bad mom. In the past I always thought that needing a break sounded selfish. But, if I've learned anything from Brene, it's that I need time to re-fuel. Time to fill up. Time to rejuvenate and pump myself up with that which keeps me going and that which keeps me from running away for months on end. Me time.

I am trying to lean on my faith. I am trying to lean on my friends. But, in the end, it's only me that can carve out that time...time that will keep me sane. Time that will help put things into perspective and keep me from. losing. my. freaking. mind.

Can anyone relate???

11 comments:

Heather said...

I think every one of us can relate. I have had a very trying week with my one child who NEVER causes me any problems. I have been suffering from PMS. It is going to be -20 degrees with wind chill here tonight, and I.Hate.Cold.

My husband doesn't travel, but sometimes I wish he would. 'Cause having someone here NOT helping is worse than having no help at all.

As moms/wives/women, only we can carve out the time we need. The men don't have to; they get up, go to work, and have complete confidence that we will take care of everything. Because we usually do. You HAVE to make time for yourself, or there won't be anything left for you to give. You know this. You just need affirmation once in a while.

So go. Get a babysitter. Make a date with a good book and a spa. And DON'T FEEL GUILTY about it. Even Jesus needed a break from the mulitudes...

Heather said...

And I spelled multitudes wrong.

Jeez.

Staci said...

i feel ya!! i sooo feel ya!!

Shalet said...

Oh no, I can't relate at all. I find it so simple and relaxing to deal with my perfect children with no extra help. Piece of cake ... NOT!

One such experience here. You are NOT alone!!!

Yvette said...

I completly understand!!! I only have two wonderfully different children at different ends of the age spectrum so I know a third would magnify everything. It is difficult being an at home mom because of all the unwritten expectations that you feel. I wouldn't want it any other way but I still feel like I should be better at the things I do. And time to myself???? What is that??? And it is VERY VERY needed! I hope you can find some time and that it is guilt free because you DO deserve it! We all do!

Ashley said...

I can relate to the husband being away (b/c mine is always gone with work) but I can't relate to your time problem with the children. It is definitely making me think twice about how I'm going to handle our future children if Lucas keeps his same job. We'll have to see about this. Eek! Good luck! You're almost to Saturday!

Anonymous said...

i can more than relate...shoot, i'm just going to email you. i feel a long one coming on. :)

carissa... brown eyed fox said...

can we relate... does a duck quack?

girl... when my husband is oot time for a week or so... i am like a snapping turtle! with BIG teeth!

it IS so hard to describe... ALL of it... EVERYTHING that a mommy faces! the EMOTIONAL stress level... at least i know for me... can be like a volcano. sometimes it just smooths right down... other times it explodes!

you SO need some refreshing YOU time! i pray for you! i sure wish i could run over there... give you a hug... make some martinis... and chit chat... i think that always helps!

i am sorry... being in the throws of it... it is so hard! cliche... yes... but hang in there! thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

I'm so with you. Steve has pneumonia (from a vaccine-resistant flu). I've been on my own since Monday.

I am undone. Tired. Incapable of staring down the barrel of one more bath-teeth-tuck-in-retuck-in-clean-the-house.

You are not alone!

ps - steve is much better so i'm grateful for that (but still reeeeeaaalll pissy).

Laura said...

Oh, sweetums--lifting you up in prayer, albeit belatedly! I'm sorry that I didn't check in a couple of days ago with ya, but I'm here now. Praying. Loving ya.

HiHoOhio said...

Oh darling, I understand.....come see me! Really.