Time for Me to Fly

I am kicking myself. How I let the school year start this way I just don't know. I keep thinking that it's ME who is creating this crazy, constantly busy life. I keep thinking that it's ME who is cramming our lives full of activities and commitments. I keep thinking it's ME who has done this to myself. To all of us.

Yes, I am partly to blame. I cannot help wanting to be involved in every child's classroom. I cannot help wanting to be social and to hang with my closest girlfriends...confiding in them, crying with them, being encouragers to them...and letting them encourage me. I cannot help wanting to work out feverishly so that I do not drown in Town Lake next Monday at the Austin Triathlon. I cannot help wanting to buy the perfect gift for a teacher. I cannot help wanting to give, give, give to others.

But, all of these wonderful and fulfilling things take time. And, that's the one thing I haven't been giving myself (besides the exercising, but like I said, I'm doing that more for survival than for health-related reasons). I have been giving and giving and giving. To others. And sadly neglecting myself.

I emailed a friend yesterday telling her I'm having a mini-breakdown. Not a full-blown-need-to-be-committed kind of breakdown. But a breakdown nonetheless. I have got to create time for myself. Every. Single. Day.

Yesterday I snuck away to a private room in the house to read and write a letter (yes, I still love sending...and receiving... handwritten notes!). I sat in the glider rocker I used to nurse my children in...and I stared off into space. I snoozed a little. I read some more.

I was only in the room for about 30 minutes. But it was heaven.

The thing is that my mini-retreat was possible because my husband was home to entertain children and tend to their needs. When I told him what I was doing...he looked at me kind of funny...but he didn't question it. I think he understood when I emerged from my little silent sanctuary a little less harried and stressed.

When he's NOT here...which is about 80 percent of the time...gone regularly 6 nights a month...travels a lot during the fall...how am I supposed to carve out that time just for me? At 4:30 am when my youngest senses the moment I awaken? At 8pm when all I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep but still have dishes to do, lunches to make, papers to sign, laundry to fold, and an endless list of "to-dos" that weigh me down?

Don't get me wrong. I'm so incredibly grateful for my husband's job and his job security. Especially during these incredibly rough times. But I don't believe that job security means peace and serenity in one's lives...or the lives of their families.

Yes, I have 3 days a week to myself...when all the kids are in school. But, it seems as though most of that time is spent tending to the household chores, preparing dinner, or running family-related errands.

I know from experience that I need my alone time. I desire it. I crave it. I need it. I also know that I need to become more selfish in acquiring some of that time I designate just for me. Thanks to the amazing Brene....I know longer feel selfish about making time just for me. She's helped me realize that it's necessary. That it's okay. That in order to pour out the love and attention on everyone else, I need to fill myself up first.

It's time for me to fly. And stop feeling weighed down by little stuff that doesn't need to be weighing me down.

So. I've moved me to the top of my to-do list. I will undoubtedly give and give and give to my family and friends because that is my nature. But I'm going to try and say "no" to more invitations and requests that are small and not life-dependent---and that do not fill up my soul. Even if friends are the ones asking me.

Because my real, true friends will understand when I say no.