These Lines Across My Face

February 17, 2009

Dear Self,

We turn 39 today, you and I. And, Self, it's amazing to think of all we've been through together.

To think of the changes we've undergone in the last 15 years...the last 10 years...the last 5 years...the last year...and mostly in the last couple of months...well, it blows me away. I see us evolving, Self. I see us changing and morphing into someone more at peace. We are more comfortable in our own skin. We are a little less consumed with "keeping up with the Joneses." We are a little less bothered by others' opinions of us. We've become a little more conscious of others' needs in an attempt to become less selfish. We are a little less judgmental of others.

The last couple of years have brought about an acute awareness of the significance of the people in our life and how they have contributed to our transformation in mind and spirit. I'm sure you remember a time, Self, when we would have given ALL the props to ourselves. But, now we know that people are put in our lives by God to bless us, to test us, to strengthen us when we're weak, and to offer opportunities for us to be the wind beneath their wings. We cannot do this thing called life all alone.

Self....I haven't liked some of the decisions we've made in the last 39 years. In fact, I haven't been proud of many of the paths we chose to follow, words we've spoken, choices we've made, thoughts that crossed our mind. But, I am thankful that those mistakes have enabled us to experience--on some level--growth. Maturity. Humility. Compassion. Forgiveness. And, mostly, unconditional love.

I'm also thankful that we have not let those bad, sometimes horrible choices define who we are at this moment. Self, hooray for us that we haven't let those situations influence our life in negative ways. And, while I have no doubt that mistakes will be made again, hopefully they'll occur with less frequency thanks to lessons we've learned.

Self, when I think of how we have been blessed--it is impossible to fight back tears. We have a husband who is kind, gentle, and loving. Three amazing children who have touched us so deeply and in ways we have yet to experience. And Self, we have some of the most amazing friends, don't we? True friends who know our past struggles and current flaws--yet they love us intensely in spite of them.

Self, we've struggled with body issues, lost loves, disappointment, abandonment, failures, loneliness, sadness, and feeling inadequate. We are comprised of skin that still breaks out, an inactive metabolism that requires insane amounts of exercise in order to maintain some sort of a figure, and overactive tear ducts that make us cry at the drop of a hat. We are sooooo sensitive. Maybe too sensitive. We over-analyze things. We like to be in control. Or, at least feel as if we are. Yet, in addition to these traits (some of which might be viewed as flaws), we possess a heart that is bursting with love and gratitude for all the blessings we have been handed by God. And, I'd like to think that this trait balances everything out.

Self, we love chocolate, wine, coffee, reading, and basking in sunshine. We love to light candles in the house every single day. And, we love to laugh. Oh! How we love to laugh! I love that about us, Self. I hope that we never lose that love of laughter. And, I hope that our overactive tear ducts never dry up.

I'm proud of us, Self, for digging deep and attempting many "firsts." Our first 1/2 marathon and triathlons. Our first guitar lessons. Our first attempt at knitting. We've begun going to sleep earlier. We've begun watching TV less and reading more. We're spending more time in the kitchen cooking healthful meals. We're trying so hard to enjoy every single moment of every single day. Well, maybe not doing the dishes. Self, will we ever enjoy doing the dishes?!

Still---there are many things I'd like to change about us, Self. I'd love for us to develop more patience. I'd love to see us spend more quiet time with God...reflecting and meditating on how He wants to use us here on earth. I'd love to see us reach out to others more...identifying others' needs and showing love and compassion to them the way we've been shown love and compassion. I know we're busy, Self, and I do not underestimate the tremendous responsibility of raising 3 loving, kind, respectful human beings. But, part of raising children with those qualities is acting as a role model and demonstrating those qualities for others...especially people we don't know. Let's try and do more of that, okay?

Oddly enough, one thing I don't want to change are our wrinkles. Like the song says, these lines across our face tell the story of who we are. So many stories of where we've been. These lines tell the story of how we got to where we are. And, Self, I really love where we are.

Self, you and I are doin' okay. Not perfect. Definitely room for improvement. But, with the help from God, our awesome family, and our amazing friends, we're makin' our way.

Self, I love you. Because I cannot love others if I first do not love mySelf.

So, happy 39th birthday, Self. I claim you and accept you with all our imperfections and flaws. And with your cooperation, we will strive to get better and better with each passing year.

Love,
Me

“When we trust our lives to the unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a great ending.”
~ Beth Moore from Week One of Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman