Saying Goodbye

Photo is from 9 years ago. Big brother Spridle uses baby Kirby as a headrest. It is my absolute favorite picture of the two of them. Ever.


This photo was taken only 2 weeks ago.


This afternoon, at 12:53pm, I held one of my precious beagles, Kirby, at the vet while the doctor administered a lethal dose of medicine that ended Kirby's life and tremendous suffering.

Kirby had been sick for almost a year, so we felt so blessed that God kept Kirby with us for this long following such a tough illness. Yesterday Animesh took Kirby to the doctor to stay the night...knowing already that the prognosis wouldn't be good. When the vet called this morning to deliver the bad news following some grim lab results, well, we knew what we had to do to put Kirby out of his misery.

As God had it planned already, my mom was watching the kids all day. Animesh had to stay home with some home improvement guys. And, I insisted on going alone to bid our sweet Kirby a "see ya later til the next life." I needed the closure.

Before the procedure, I spent a few minutes alone with Kirby as he struggled to breathe. I sobbed uncontrollably...soaking his soft, black fur...apologizing for swatting him when he would try and eat off the kids' little table...thanking him for being such a loving pet to our children...telling him that we hoped we hadn't done anything to prolong his treatment that had caused him to get so sick. Yes, my "mother guilt" even extends to our dogs.

The compassionate doctor entered the room, hugged me and let me cry a few minutes, and then told me to hold Kirby and soothe him while the drugs were given. As I watched Kirby draw his last breath, I lost control. It was unbearable. I think I cried for every loss I had ever experienced in my lifetime. Never in my life had I experienced something so tremendously painful.

As I drove home in a wild thunderstorm today, it got me thinking about saying goodbye. Since God created the world people have been saying goodbye to loved ones and pets due to death. Often times, we say goodbye to people in our lives as a mere parting of ways. Regardless, today's agonizing experience taught me that closure for all involved is so important in order for the healing process to begin. For those we lose to death, there are funerals and memorials where we can say, "I'll see you again someday in heaven." If life calls people in different directions, closure could mean a touch on the shoulder, a hug, or a kiss on the cheek while whispering, "I'm so grateful you were a part of my life...if only for a while. You touched me deeply." I'm a girl who needs her closure.

I need to believe that Kirby, while in complete misery, felt my presence and was somewhat comforted by having me hold him as he passed on from this life.

And, that's enough closure for me. But, it won't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. That's gonna take some time.

Kirby-Derby, we will miss you more than you know.